


Answers

by Leor_Ataraxia



Series: Too late to try [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression, Since 5 TOA book is not out yet, Suicide, The depression aspect is not too explicit but I still tag it M just to be safe, Will Solangelo/Nico di Angelo at the background, for now at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:48:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leor_Ataraxia/pseuds/Leor_Ataraxia
Summary: Nico learns that there is more on Jason's death that just his self-sacrificing nature, but what could be? And more importantly, what he would do once he has the answer?
Relationships: Nico di Angelo & Jason Grace, Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Series: Too late to try [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979878
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Answers

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language, sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> WARNING: The next work involves themes like depression and suicide, if that could be a trigger for you, please do not continue reading.

“I’m just so tired Nico” The laugh that got out of him was broken, and his translucent form flicker, his ghostly glow faltered, like somehow his connection to the land of the living was breaking down. But the Ghost King knew better than this, he could pick up the humor of the spirits, and he knew what this meant.

Jason’s spirit was broken down, not his new form as a ghost per se, but his emotional one, his drive. It was lost.

Let’s back a little to learn why things ended this way. 

Nico knew he should not try to get Jason’s spirit back, talking to the spirit of loved ones was always a bad idea. To mourn somebody you needed to lose them, anything else would just make your pain worst and stop you from moving on. He knows this, part of the reason he took so long to mourn Bianca was that he tried his hardest to get her back.

But as much as he tried, he needed to have one last discussion with him, he needed answers.

Nico has not been the happiest to know Jason would leave, not after his insistence that he should stay at camp, that they would spend time together. For the Italian, it felt insulting; he believed in the son of Jupiter, that he would be his friend, that he should not run; and then Jason leaves at the first chance he has?

“ _Piper needs me_ ” _Jason’s glare was worried, if it was for his girlfriend or for how the son of Hades was acting, it was unsure. A little part of Nico was scared that he just managed to make his friend afraid of him; but like always, his anger was stronger._

_“You have nothing to do in the mortal world” His words were full of venom, even if there was some truth in them. Nico has tried to get a grip of him anger, being hot-headed has never helped him in anything, just to drive people away. For a while, he thought Jason was the only able to stay despite that problem; now he was not so sure._

_Jason looks to the side for a moment, looking at the leaves at his feet. Fall was slowly taking over camp, even when the sun was still glowing in soft light, filling the space with warmth. The winds were getting stronger, and a current went towards them; Nico shivered, though Jason wasn’t faced by it. Nico wondered if the wind right now was tied to the emotions of the Son of Jupiter._

_It only lasts a second, yet there is some doubt in those blue eyes, and at that moment, Nico had some hope that he got to him. The professional, controlled gaze was back, and that hope got destroyed._

_“It would be fine if is for her”_

_The son of Hades tries to not shake in anger. He should have seen it coming, Piper was his girlfriend, the one he loved the most, of course he would put her first over everything. Is not that he could blame him, for Nico, Hazel was the most important thing; and if she needed him, he most probably would have left Camp Half-Blood for her as well._

_Yet as much as he understood the logic, he felt bitter. For once, he thought somebody cared for him, truly cared, that would not leave him behind at the first moment they got._

_Why he got that hope? Bianca didn’t stay, and that was his blood sister for Hades’s sake, could he really expect somebody to be there for him after that? If his own sister got tired of his existence, he truly couldn’t expect anybody else to be there for him. He should have seen it coming, but he got his hopes up once more, and that got him crashing again._

_Di Angelo wondered how many times this needed to happen until he truly learned._

_“Fine” Is the last thing he says, and Nico decides to shadow travel for this. Because he knows well enough that if he went away walking, Jason would find a way to stop him and talk more. Nico didn’t want to give him that chance, Grace wanted to run away? Fine, two could play that game._

_Some months later he would lament that decision, deeply._

They didn't talk after that; Jason tried to use Iris Message for a while, but Nico would just stop the projection before he got a word out. Will said he was being overly dramatic and that continue with this would solve nothing; with time the son of Hades learned that kissing the lights out of Solace would provide enough distraction to stop the subject.

Nico is not sure how many times he kissed him just for that.

At some point he considered to let the call stay, just to see if perhaps he could understand the reasoning of Grace now that his anger had shimmer. Problem was that at that point, Iris Message started to fail, just like everything else.

There was the possibility of Shadow Travel there, but he didn’t want to look desperate, and Will would say that doing that jump was dangerous, and doing smaller jumps would take too much time.

Jason would get back to Camp Half-Blood, he had to, for the shrines. At that point Nico could go there, have a chat, admit that both of them were morons (technically it was only him, but Nico had some ego, as odd as it sounds), and perhaps continue being friends like nothing was wrong.

Then he learned that the Fates have not stopped taking people away from him, as once he thought.

Nico saw it in front of his eyes, he was present in the form of a dream. He screamed, trying to give some advice to them, to move some spirits, something to help; he hated seeing stuff like this and not be able to do nothing. But he expected that they could get out of this, because that is what they always do; get in missions that were too dangerous for someone of their age, somehow made it, and try to find a way to bicker about the gods without getting pulverized by those.

It was their normal, their way of life, so surely-

Those thoughts stopped the moment the spear impaled Jason, he couldn’t even scream, probably piercing his lungs. Even when he felt of Tempest, spilling blood on the floor of whatever place they were, that man- he impaled him once more, making sure he was dead.

The son of Hades knew nobody could hear him, but he screamed the name of his best friend out of the top of his lungs.

Was at that moment that he woke up, and he wanted to be a nightmare, he desperately wants it to be just a nightmare. Nico tried to search for it, for his soul; once Nico got close to somebody, he could feel his life force, even have an idea where they were; that’s how he knew where Annabeth and Percy were in Tartarus. So, he tried to search for Jason’s life force, his soul-

He could not find it; he really couldn’t feel it.

Was at that moment that Nico felt himself shaking, suddenly all he felt was cold, a piercing cold that was getting to his bones, like he was in the middle of the winder without any type of coat, but worse. He could feel it all over him, to his very soul, apprehensive and unforgiving, surrounding him.

Loneliness, pain, sorrow, so many things left behind-

Nico wondered if this was his own feelings, or the last Jason felt when he died; it couldn’t be, not Jason. Jason was a hero, a praetor, he defeated Titans, Giants, he was able to see him eye to eye and push him around with his own stubbornness, even if Jason knew the son of Hades was dangerous, he didn’t care.

Jason was sunlight, warm filling the air, you could feel safe in his presence, because once you were in his presence you knew he would try to protect you, to help you, he cared about those around him and would do his best for it.

So then, why-

He needed to do something, to learn what was going on. Di Angelo put some pants on, got a shirt, and shadowtravel to a place he knew like the back of his hand.

The castle of his father.

Like always, he was full of work. Papers all around him, a spirit on his left (Nico could be able to recognize him, he got pretty familiar with all of them when he worked with his dad; but right now he was tired, and trying his best to reign his emotions before he opened a crack on the obsidian floor) and Alecto on his right. They were bickering about the field of punishments, about not enough pain.

What else is new, Nico would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t so jittery.

“Father” Nico musters, he tries to compose himself, really, yet the cold is still around him, pricking his bones and wearing off his heart. The ambassador of Pluto knew better that let a god see him weak, especially around monsters and spirits who would do anything for a little bit more of power; none of these creatures were his friends and would do what they can to get up to the ladder.

But right now, Nico di Angelo, Ghost King, a survivor of Tartarus, a hero, was just a teenager. A teenager who has lost too much in too little time, and was afraid that is just what it happened.

Hades barely looks up from his papers, but when he notices Nico he looks almost relieved.

“Nico, I haven’t called you for a mission, right?”

“No father, I have other business here”

“You didn’t bring your sword, or provisions, you are not ready for a quest”

“Is not that, I need to talk to _you_ ”

The emotion he lefts at that last word taste like betrayal, like something he didn’t want to let out, but was getting more difficult by the minute to keep it together. If the god of the Underworld notice his distress, or was just tired of the Circus that was his court, is unsure; but he looked around him and mustered.

“We will continue this later, I will speak with my son now”

“But Sir-” The spirt couldn’t finish his sentence before the immortal snapped his fingers, leaving only Hades and Nico in the room. That was good, Nico still didn’t want to be emotional in front of his father, but better that have Alecto making fun of him the next time they see each other.

“Now, what’s the matter that you got here? I’m never sure what time is at the surface, but for how you look it doesn’t appear to be a time for a visit”

Nico wasn’t sure if his attire was somehow odd (he really didn’t pay attention to what he got out of the closet); not the point anyways. The demigod stood taller, his fist at his side, his nails digging his palms so hard it would leave a mark, and his knuckles white.

“Is he here?” Nico asked, being a little satisfied that his voice did not break.

“Who is he?” And the indifference of Hades fills him with anger.

He should have seen it coming, gods didn’t pay enough attention like that, not when it wasn’t about somebody useful, it was only a matter of luck if they cared enough for their own children by that alone, and not by losing a pawn. Hades had souls flowing the underworld by the second, and demigods were not strangers of the death; he has seen so many heroes fall that another one was as interesting as seeing a fly drop dead.

But that was not true that for Nico. Because for him, there wasn’t any other possible “he”; not when it was the soul he felt missing in his chest, when it was the first friend he got after the fiasco that was his first time at Camp Half Blood. Part of him hoped that somehow, they had gotten some status out of this; saving the world should count for something, right? Jason helped to save it twice, perhaps thrice if his death had helped Apollo in his mission (and it better be, Lester would discover the pain the underworld can offer by Nico’s hand if Jason died for nothing)

You would expect that the death of a hero like that could mean something, to the Olympians, who owned him to be here instead of rotting in Tartarus by the hand of Gaea.

Of course not for them, because Gods would always be superior for themselves, and heroes were as interesting as the new Iphone, the next one would appear soon, so who cares?

In any case, Nico was not stupid enough to throw a fit to his father; angering a god (one of the big three nonetheless) was suicidal, and it better not be done unless the world was at risk. Even if Nico felt his world was falling apart, his little world where his loved ones were important parts of it; deep down he knew nobody would be happy if he dies because his own father considered him annoying.

“Jason Grace, Son of Jupiter” Nico gets a grip, and he could almost be happy that what he is feeling now is anger instead of sorrow; he was familiar with anger, he had been trying to get a hold of it since the last summer, to not scare anybody away anymore. Anger could get him going, to make him move; sorrow…that just leaves you empty.

Hades raises an eyebrow, like wondering why on earth a child of Hades would give a fuck about a son of Jupiter. A scroll appears in front of Hades, and he reads a little bit about it, probably Jason’s life was in there. He scans it quickly, accustomed to be fast since there was always something calling him away. There is the tiniest bit of surprise in his eyes, and when he looks at Nico again, for a moment, it feels like he is looking at Nico with sadness.

Before Nico can ask, that second passes away and his stoic, boring glare is on him again.

“What you need to know?”

This was the reason why he was here, why he decided to visit his father in the middle of the night without any type of appointment arranged. Nico licked his chapped lips, and now his fist started to quiver; if he made this question, it would become real, he would confirm his suspicions and there was no back from that, it meant that it happened-

“Nico, answer me now, I don’t have all day” Those words were harsh, yet Nico recognized how Hades was shifting uncomfortably in his throne. Despite all their issues, Nico knew his dad cared to some degree; sadly despite being the God of Underworld, he appeared to be incapable to console mourning people (that right there was irony). If Nico went to that route Hades would just appear a spirit to get him to his room to cry alone, since there was not anything else the god could offer.

If that happened, it would take hours for him to be back in this room, and he really didn’t feel like losing time.

He takes a deep breath, and then finally said those dreaded words “Is he dead?”

“Yes” The simplicity of that word makes almost comical how easy it can destroy Nico.

“ _No no no NO NO NO_ ” Is what his mind repeated, pulling his head to not lost the last of his composure in this room. He paced, trying to not hyperventilate, knowing that this isn't neither the time nor the place, and there was still things he needed to say right now.

“Why him?! Why he was the one who died?!” He almost screamed, letting his stomps echo against the walls.

He never said those questions were reasonable.

Hades looked unimpressive seeing him throw a tantrum, but appeared to be in the mood to answer him, or perhaps was that he wanted to delay the reunion with the spirits and Alecto as long as possible “A prophecy said it was him or the daughter of Aphrodite, he took a decision”

“Wait, what?” Nico stopped walking in the room and looked at his father; those certainly were news to him.

Bored, Hades explained “Those two went to the Labyrinth, the son of Jupiter got to an Oracle, who told him one of them would die on a mission with Apollo. And at that point, he decided it would be him”

A bitter laugh got out of the son of Hades, and for a moment both of them feared he actually lost it this time “Of course it was that, what else is new? He would sacrifice himself for others, especially her”

“That wasn’t the reason, at least not the most important one”

Nico’s brows furrow in confusion, looking at his father “What are you talking about?”

Now was the God of the Underworld the one perplexed “So you don’t know?”

“Know _what?_ ”

“Hmm” Hades looks at the scroll once more, reading slowly this time “Looks like nobody knew, that explains his lasts weeks alive”

“What?” Nico was getting tired of repeating himself. A feeling of dread was starting to fill him; what else was going on? Jason deciding to be the sacrifice so his girlfriend would live sounds like him, so what else could be going on? Somebody make him do it? That’s what he needed to know?

Sadly, appeared that his father went back to be cryptid again, and in the worse moment “Is not important, is in the past now”

“In the past?! If he died for it-”

“You said it yourself, he is dead now. Don’t worry, he would go to Elysium without trouble, he has done enough for Olympus to get a spot there, he should be happy there”

“Why you said it like he wasn’t happy in Life?”

The look Hades gave him was full of pity, and then he sighed “Is over, for him, and that’s what truly matters. I suggest you drop this subject as well”

“You cannot make me-“

“ _I could certainly try_ ” His tone was menacing, a Nico needed to brace himself to step back at that moment. He forgot sometimes, after the visits and having a room there; but his father was still a god, and getting in their nerves was easy, especially him, since apparently, he mixed worry with annoyance. His glare stopped, and closed his eyes “I will leave you to grief in your own way Nico, but I ask you to not try to get his spirit back, it didn’t help you with Bianca and would not help you here neither”

Nico was lost in words, both for the suggestion and the fact that Hades said something about Bianca; he had stopped after he considered Nico good enough to not compare him with his sister.

“Goodbye son” Another snap of fingers, and he was back in his cabin.

That he proceeded to destroy the place.

That was still a hard habit to break; not to let his anger out on things. He wasn’t that worried about it, because it was better to destroy things that could be replaced, that hurt somebody important to him; if letting a bunch of feathers on the floor for tearing a pillow stopped him for screaming to a love one, so it be.

Except that already happed, he snapped to Jason, stop talking to him, and now he was dead.

Fuck.

His legs gave up, and Nico fell in the floor; not caring for how his knees protested for the impact, it barely felt like a pinch in the cheek for the turmoil of the feelings inside him.

Jason was dead, for real this time, and somehow his self-sacrificing nature was not the reason, and if Nico already felt he would not be able to rest for his death, having a missing piece of the puzzle just made things worse.

What happened in the last weeks of his death? How come nobody knew? It was because of the mission, or something else?

He needed to find out, would check on the others since convoking Jason’s spirit appeared to be out of the table. Hades said two conflicting things and he was sure he did not want to cross his father if he could help it. His father said nobody else knew, but he needed to try at least. 

“ _Time to check with the others._

* * *

Nico lost everybody’s time by it.

Iris message still didn’t work, no matter how many drachmas he throws on it (he was lucky his father gives him an allowance, because he spent more money there than most demigods in their life). The eagles that the Romans used to communicate didn’t return either, using the phone just ended going to the voicemail (that he suspected got the messages deleted, since he never hears from anyone back), texting failed to load the message every time, mails as well. He could not contact anybody, and sadly he couldn’t pinpoint souls good enough to shadow travel to them.

It was just a matter of luck he could travel in dreams, and that somehow didn’t get blocked.

He got a ton of practice that way, and Clovis instructed him on it as well. Using that method was complicated to pull out, let alone that when you wake up some details would get lost, and Nico needed to write what he could remember as soon as he woke up, because just like dreams, you could forget everything by the time you were fully awake.

Sadly, all his search went to waste.

Piper just learned about the prophecy a little before they went with Apollo, and apparently was so mad about it, she didn’t try to talk with him. Nico wanted to scream while learning that, since she could had provided the answers and she waste it; but she looked so utterly broken that he couldn’t bring himself to be angry at her.

Though he was certainly tempted when he knew that not only they broke up, Jason was alone in some school for boys in Pasadena; away from any of his demigod friends or sister. That is why nobody knew, nobody was close enough to learn the reason.

But apparently, there was more on that; nobody knew and that’s why he spent his last weeks in solicitude, not the other way around. That’s what his father said, and Nico was left wondering if he let out that information on purpose or by accident.

He knew he needed to mourn him, to move on, but how he could? When he was missing such an important piece of the story? When his best friend decided to not talk to no one when he could have perfectly asked for Help? Even if he decided he could not let Piper die, why he didn’t try to spend time with them? Wouldn’t he want to be with his friends before he died?

Those doubts keep him at night, and there was nothing stopping them. Nobody knew, nobody had a clue-

Except him.

Jason was the only one who knew the truth, and only that could give him some closure. Bitterness filled his mouth, being fully aware that the last time he spoke to Jason things didn’t end well, and talk to him now just to discuss his death seemed shitty to him. But right now, he didn’t feel like there was any other choice.

* * *

Nico needed to do this in secrecy.

Will was not exactly pleased with his new hobby as Sherlock Holmes; just like his father, Will advised to drop the subject and try to concentrate on mourning his friend. He was like that after all; _“Move on from the negative things, because staying at the bottom would help no one, you need to move to the future!”_ those were probably his favorite thing to say to Nico, especially when they started to hang out after the war. Nico got accustomed to it, but once again he was getting annoyed by it.

They had the opposite problem when it was about handling grief. Nico would cling to it, rejecting everything else and embracing the anger and sorrow that come with it; Will on the other hand would try to not grief at all, he would put a brave face, concentrate in the positives, and fake to be good until he actually was. As somebody constantly surrounded by death, Nico knew that neither of those paths were healthy; but if he couldn’t fix himself in that regard, he could do even less for Will.

Will didn’t really know Jason, so he wasn’t truly mourning his death. That was good, because Nico certainly would not have the head to deal with his boyfriend denying any negative feelings, and he was already being a bad partner by stopping hanging out because he was too busy napping and exhausting himself on the process, because even if he was sleeping, it was using his powers and that took his energy away.

If Solace knew he wanted to talk to Jason’s spirit, especially after the state he was for who knows how many days in this searching of his; he would put his foot down and stop him, or try to since nothing was more stubborn than Nico Di Angelo when he put his mind on it. That would end in a fight (or another, they had some since Jason’s death) and he was feeling low enough already to put more on his plate.

Nico went to dinner on the last minute, he hasn’t been there and didn’t want too many people talking about his presence there, because he probably didn’t look the best (he doesn’t know, he doesn’t remember the last time he checked himself in a mirror) and he knew Will always got there as soon as possible, so he could eat quickly and organize his siblings after it.

Despite being dinner time, he did not try to sit and eat, he just got two things: an apple, and as many brownies as he could take without somebody making a fuss about it.

The apple was for himself, the brownies were for Jason.

In general, Di Angelo thought it was better to give the favorite meal to a spirit, a ghost being on the mortal plane was a taxing thing and ghost didn’t feel great by being in the upper world after passing away, so he thought giving a food they loved would help to soften the blow.

He wanted to give Jason his favorite food, but he actually didn’t know which one it was. Jason told him once that it used to be New Rome brownies, but then it stopped, and ambrosia tasted like nothing after that. If Jason found a new food after those months in the mortal world was unknown to him, and that felt like a pang in his chest because it was the memory that perhaps he could know it if he wasn’t so stubborn.

Nico wondered, not for the first time, if perhaps he could have the answer to this mystery if he had decided to talk with Jason. Perhaps he would even be-

No, he could not think like that, he couldn’t blame himself for this, or he would never get out of it.

Despite his obsession and his lack of self-care, Nico didn’t want to go that route anymore. The months he spent refusing to accept Bianca was death were one of the words times of his life, and he didn’t want to go back to be that angry little boy anymore. Neither Will, Hazel, Reyna, and the rest of his friends, he was sure Jason wouldn't like it either.

“ _Unless he is angry with me_ ” Nico couldn’t picture it, not really; he has never seen Jason stay mad with somebody, no matter what others did, Jason appeared to be incapable of keep a grudge; for Hades’s sake, Jason wasn’t mad with his dad and Zeus was a big part of the reason his life was as screw-up as it was, and unlike Hades or Poseidon, he never tried to reach out. Jason would always put an excuse; because he is the king or the gods, or because Hera would get pissed; Nico didn’t want to say that he probably didn’t care. Di Angelo suspected that Jason already knew that, deep down; but like always, preferred to think the best of others.

Fuck, his death felt so unfair; Jason was just too good. He was the definition of a hero, one from the fairy tales that were pure and brave, not like the Greek ones that more often than not they were doing something for their own benefit. Jason has dedicated his life to others, to help others, he saved the world multiple times, and yet somehow that wasn’t enough to let him have a fucking break.

Nico gripped the plate so hard he heard it crack, and the grass around him starts to wither like he just poisons it. It takes a couple of seconds, but Nico breaths, and stops with it before he leaves a mess.

He knew well enough that death was not fair; his sisters were the living proof of it, and it wasn’t the only time he knew somebody die and didn’t deserve it.

Is not like that makes things easier for him.

* * *

Nico wasn’t truly thinking while he did the process of invoking a spirit; despite the years since Bianca’s death, he remembered like it was yesterday, after doing it more times than he can count. He just let his body do the work, while his mind wandered.

Oddly enough, he was feeling numb while doing this. He didn’t mind the cold of the spring night, wasn’t fazed by the sounds the forest would produce, the moonlight was enough to let him see what he was doing; his sweat for digging was not good with the current weather, and yet that didn’t make him stop in the slightness.

He wonders if this emptiness is because he is about to get answers, if knowing the last piece of the puzzle was helping soothe his soul. That didn’t feel right though, what he was feeling was far from peace. Perhaps he is bracing himself for the worst; for Jason to not appear and have his father give him an earful for trying, for Jason to scream at him for deciding to talk to him now after all this time, or perhaps, to end with the fact that Jason didn’t care for him anymore, being over him after so much lack of contact.

That last one terrified him, he certainly preferred to have the God of the Underworld scowl him that to face his best friend hating him.

And yet, he could not stop, no matter how scared he was for the answer; he needed to do this, or he could never move on.

It took him almost by surprise when a spirit flicks in from of him, so focused on his thoughts that he forgot that he was doing a ritual. Good thing the chanting in Greek needed the voice and not the mind in it.

Nico forgets breathing while looking at the son of Jupiter.

It is him; the same short hair, glasses slightly crocked (how come that could not be fixed even in death?), a scar on his lip and blue eyes. And yet, it was obvious it was not the same; his form was transparent enough that Nico could see the other side if he concentrated; he had two bleeding holes in his chest, the ones from his death.

Jason blinked in confusion for a moment, probably surprised to not be in Elysium anymore, and then his eyes stood on Nico, surprised.

“Nico…is that you?”

“Yeah” his voice is rough, like he has run a marathon. Perhaps it was something like that, doing all that digging after eating basically nothing for days wasn’t good for him; fuck he was so tired.

Jason’s brows furrow, worried “Are you alright? You don’t look good”

And at that, Nico laughs, because of course even in fucking death Jason would worry about him. Gods this guy was impossible “You are asking _me_ if I’m okay? I’m not the one bleeding out!”

“Right,” Jason said, looking down at his chest, where the spear had impaled him “It doesn’t hurt anymore though”

“Of course not, you are dead, it would never hurt again” Nico shook his head, still surprised by the question, even if he should not.

“Well, I guess it would if I was in the Fields of Punishment”

“You are not there, and you would never end there, not with the life you lived. You may as well skip reincarnation and go to the Fortunate Islands, you don’t deserve any less”

Jason looks sheepish, putting a hand on the back of his neck “You are exaggerating”

“I’m not,” He said, serious. Okay, Nico hasn’t sleep properly, or eat enough, in an undetermined number of days, so if he was going overboard or not, he couldn’t truly know since his judgment got clouded. But he fully means it at this moment “Jason, you had dedicated your life to the legion since you were two, you slew the Trojan Sea Monster, defeated Krios with your own hands, manage to take care of the legion as a Praetor, and that is just named the things you did before I meet you. You are the definition of a perfect hero”

Despite how well-meaning were those words, Jason flinched, and Nico wondered what he did wrong this time. “You…you shouldn’t say that” he whispers, so low he barely hears in time.

And he is confused, because what’s wrong with that statement? It was not only a compliment, but it was also the truth. Not only his wins, but his determination, his bravery; he couldn’t think of anymore more worthy of that title, not even Percy.

He wonders if it perhaps part of the reason why things ended this way “This had something to do about how you die?”

“What?” Jason says confused, and with a tint of fear.

“My father told me how you die. You got a prophecy that mentioned that either you and Piper would die, and you decided to be the sacrifice” He felt bitterness by saying those words, he had said them a million times trying to get answers for anyone he knew; and yet it never fails to make him like he was tasting lead.

Jason crosses his arms, and his hands grab his arms hard, like bracing himself for impact “It was for the best, I couldn’t let it be her”

“But that wasn’t the reason, right? Not the most important” Jason look at him with surprise on those words, Nico continues “My father told me that there was something else, and that nobody knew about it, and you make sure to not be around anybody for it”

It shouldn’t be possible, but Jason was starting to tremble with those words, he looked around, like expecting he could just run away, probably feeling that the invocation would not let him. It oddly reminds Nico of the time they were looking for the scepter, where Favonious insinuated what needed to be done and Nico wanted nothing but run.

It pained to see Jason like this, to know that he wanted to run away from _him_.

“Jason, what is the reason?”

“I-It doesn’t matter anymore”

“Doesn’t matter?!” Nico screams, and doesn’t care if he wakes up a camper, or attracts a monster, in all honestly he would open a crack to the earth right now and let anything fall to the underworld just to make sure he would continue with this conversation. “Jason, is why you die, why I wouldn’t care?”

“You didn’t seem to care the last few months” While the words sound accusatory, he looks to the side while saying it, softly, like regretting using that against him.

It just makes it worse though, knowing that is true and Jason still didn’t try to use it as fuel to escape this situation, Nico knew if things were reversed he would use every mistake by Jason just so he could get out of this. But he wasn’t like that, even if people deserve it, gods Nico knew he deserved it.

Nico took a step back, like he just got a punch to the gut, and in a way he did “I’m sorry for that” he says that, and he can hear the tears in it, trying his hardest to not cry. Fuck he didn’t want to make Jason guilty, not when it was his fault “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out, by the time I wanted to, the communications were down, and I hoped you would just be here on the summer and I could say I was sorry”

“We both messed up”

“No, we didn’t, I did. I was an asshole and you have the right to call me out” Months ago, he wouldn’t be able to say that much, but ego be dammed because he didn’t give a rat’s ass about that right now.

Nico takes a deep breath “I cannot blame you if you don’t want to tell me, I was an awful friend, and reaching out now that you are dead is shitty, but I swear I cannot do anything else. Jason, I saw you die, I was dreaming while it happened; I went to my dad to be sure it wasn’t just a nightmare, and since I learned that I haven’t been able to do anything else. You asked why I look like this? Because I had been wearing myself out trying to learn what happened, I wanted to try with our friends first, but nobody truly knew. My father advised against talking to you, because I know talking to the deceased doesn’t help with grief, but I just cannot rest without knowing what happened, I can’t”

Jason caressed his arms, still crossed against his chest, he was looking to the side. Whatever this was, it was important, important enough to take it to the grave and don’t want to take it out even after death; Nico couldn’t understand why. Jason was already dead, whatever it was, it would change nothing; Nico would not invoke his spirit again, so it would not make things different to him.

He decided to say that much “Jason, whatever it was, it would not change our friendship” Nico’s voice was soft, so soft that it almost didn’t sound like him, he barely used that tone with anybody “If you want to live in peace in Elysium, I will respect it, I shouldn’t be doing this in the first place; but whatever it is, it would not change anything. I know we haven’t talked in months, but you are my best friend, you never stopped being it, and I don’t think it ever stop”

Those words appeared to work, because Jason looks at him now, and for a moment he looks with the same fondness and happiness he had in those months where they talked about everything and nothing, rambling in Cabin 13 of whatever that appeared in their minds, pretending they were just two teenagers in a normal summer camp and not veterans of war with more trauma than anybody their age should have, what anybody, in general, should have.

But then whatever spell that was is broken, and that’s like Jason looks, broken. The trembling is back, and he is hugging himself like nobody else could be able to do.

Nico wants to reach out, but he is unsure if he should. He has never seen Jason like this, never, and he is still bad trying to console others, so he is unaware of what to do.

“I-” He starts saying, but Jason’s cuts him short.

“I did it…because I wanted to” He musters, finally, like a confession that has been forced out of his chest.

And yet it doesn’t feel like enough “What?” Nico asks, dumbfound.

Jason takes a shaky breath, and looks at Nico once more, his eyes looking like broken glass “I decided I would be the sacrifice…because I wanted to die, Nico”

Nico feels like something inside his brain just broke, or perhaps is in his heart, because he knows well enough what those words mean, and it just so painful to associate those with Jason.

Nico never- despite all his issues and sadness, he never felt depress enough to just give up with life. He was stubborn like that, even in situations where nobody would be surprised if he couldn’t take it anymore; he didn’t even falter in the jar, where it would be had been as easy as stop taking the seeds and let everything be over.

He could not believe that from Jason, not him. Why? He was admired by everyone, loved even, tons of people wanted to be his friend, to date him, some of them would kill for just a kiss. Even if we take out the possible fans, he had friends, he had a sister who adored him, he had people around. He grew up as royalty, he could get anything with not more than asking for it. After the war he was once again, a hero; people still spoke about his deeds, even when he wasn’t around.

“Why?” He asks, almost without noticing. He was still too in shock, but wanted to do the best to not fuck it up this time. Nico had talked with more spirits than alive people, a lot of times were cases that people refused to move on, mostly for a strong feeling of sorrow. He wasn’t sure how many times he spends talking with people who committed suicide, so he learned enough to be delicate about it.

He just never thought one of his friends would be one of those, especially not him.

His laugh is broken, full of sorrows and regrets “I’m just so tired, Nico”

And that is what is going on right now, Nico getting the answer he wanted, and yet it still feels not enough to complete the puzzle.

Jason shook his head, his voice was so hollow “I was tired of the quest, of gods asking me once more to risk my life. I was tired of the injuries, always getting a new scar because monsters could have killed me. I was tired of going day by day, because demigods rarely made it to adulthood. I was tired of the nightmares, of my past, present and future” His voice trembles, like is getting more difficult to talk by the minute “I was tired of the pressure, of people thinking I was some kind of prince, of a pedestal I didn’t ask. I was tired of people expecting everything from me, and never asking how I was. Of needed to pretend I was okay, when I wasn’t, I had never been okay in my life Nico”

Nico thought the way he saw the world was falling apart, and it was, at least the one that had to do with Jason.

All this time…he thought he was doing that stuff because he wanted to, because it was in his nature to be like that. Protective, kind, and brave Jason, the perfect hero.

Except he wasn’t, it just a façade because is what people expected him, what he was supposed to do. And nobody knew, Thalia, Piper, and him included were totally oblivious about this fact. And that…probably just helped to leave him in this state.

Jason continues “I lived by the motions on the legion, I didn’t relate to anyone, because they just saw the son of Jupiter, and all they wanted was the perfect leader, not just a guy. But it was a life I could do, follow orders, do the next prophecy, you know it.”

“Then I got a chance in my life to be myself, to do get out of the idea of the legion, and by that time I notice I had no reason to keep going. I could do something if we have a prophecy, I could save the world if it needed, but aside for that? Just…What was the point? All my life I lived for others, not for myself, and now that I could, I had noticed that I couldn’t think of a single reason of why I wanted to wake up the next day”

“Going with Piper was the last thing I could think to do, I thought if I continue dedicated my life to others, to the person I loved the most, it would be enough. But then she broke up with me, and there was the last mission I had. I could had go with building the shrines I guess, but even then it just didn’t feel enough; I guess now that I noticed the emptiness in my life, nothing could stop it”

“The mortal school was my last bet, perhaps if I could have a normal life, I would find something, anything, to keep me going. It didn’t work out; I couldn’t relate to any of my peers, after living so much in a magical world I didn’t have anything in common with them. It just made me even more depress, and…I couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t want to fight it, I just wanted to give up”

He licked his lips, like tasting his next words, how important they were “When I heard the prophecy, I knew I didn’t want Piper to die, but I also saw it as an exit. I didn’t have the drive enough to just end things myself, but knowing I just could let it happen? That I could do. Nobody would suspect the real reason, because I knew everybody would expect me to do it anyways. I didn’t contact anybody after knowing because I thought guys would notice my plan, but also…that somehow, you will make me change my mind, that I would feel guilty enough to not try it, and yet knowing that would not be enough to give me something to live for. So I made sure I just continue with my school, not contacting anyone, and wait until the day I die”

And that, was the final piece of the puzzle.

Nico feels dizzy with the amount of information, his vision of Jason utterly broken, and needing to rebuild itself with his new knowledge.

Part of him wanted to scream, recriminate Jason for doing this, for not contacting them or asking for help. Nico knew he wasn’t good with feelings, most probably he couldn’t help him to find what he was looking for, nonetheless, he would have tried to help, if not him to find somebody who would. He cared for Jason, façade, or not he was his friend, those weeks together would not be erased for this.

“I love you” Nico mutters, feelings his eyes glossy.

Jason blinks, confuse, and still emotional after that chat “What?”

“I still love you,” Nico said, trying to stop the tears, fuck, he hated to cry, alone or accompanied, he hated it; he didn’t want to stop seeing Jason just because his vision was clouded “I- even if I just learned about this, you are still my best friend, that hasn’t changed, this wouldn’t do it. I never told you this, I never told anyone because the moment I said it, it becomes real, and if it becomes real then when I lost them it would hurt like hell because I lost somebody I loved. But I already lost you, so I don’t give a shit. You are my best friend, and I love you for it, no matter what”

Jason opens his mouth, perplexed, and then he swallows; and despite the impossibility of the act, his eyes fill with tears as well. They are as ethereal as him, and as soon as it falls from his face, it disappears like smoke in the air.

“Nico” he manages to say, but he chokes in his own tears.

“The rest would love you as well,” Nico says, still crying, but his voice doesn’t falter this time, is full of conviction “W-We don’t give a fuck of whatever you did in the legion, you were the one roasting s’mores at the fire, the one who couldn’t sing for his life and we would cringe when you did it out loud just to get a reaction out of us, you who learned to play Mario Kart when you were 15 and somehow destroy Leo in it”

Jason laughs at that those words, and sounds lighter than it was before, even if there is still a pain in his gaze.

“They could tell you this much, if you let him” That stops Jason, looking at him surprised, cheeks with tears still falling “If they know, the would tell you how much they love you”

“Please no” he begs, voice breaking once again “I…I didn’t want to talk about this, and now is just too late anyway, I don’t want to make them more worried with this”

His form starts to flicker, and is different than before. His form is looking more translucent, less present.

He was leaving. Nico reaches a hand, like that somehow could stop it “Jason-”

“I guess this is goodbye, isn’t it?” He musters half a smile, but there is no happiness in it.

“Tell me you got what you were looking for in Elysium” Nico asks, and he is fully aware of how desperate he sounds, and not caring at all for it. He needed to know that he at least got that, some happiness at the end of his shitty life, he deserved that.

Jason looks like he is about to answer, when looks down; his feet are starting to disappear, he doesn’t have more time in the upper world.

Despite all this conversation, how painful it was to say those words and let out something he took to his grave; he smiles “I don’t know how long you will live, if you will remember me at the end of your life, but, I hope I made you smile for real at least once, that’s what I ever wanted, know that my loves ones were happy”

And with those words, he is gone.

Nico cannot keep it together anymore, with his legs trembling, he falls on his knees. He feels like a rag doll, not strong enough to stand, and that’s how his mood felt. He felt so drained and tired, and yet, he found the energy to continue crying.

Jason just revealed his darkest secret to him, something so hidden he never mentioned to another soul in the sixteen years of his life. And yet, he told him, because Nico needed to know, because Nico told him he couldn’t mourn him properly without knowing the clue.

It felt like he just said a lie, even if he fully meant those words at the moment he said them.

He continues crying, feeling the guilt get to him. He forced Jason to share something so deep with him, something Nico did not have the right to know, because even in death Jason would wear himself out for others. And that’s what happened, he gave, he gave so much that there wasn’t anything else for him, and by the moment he realized he didn’t have the energy to keep it up.

Nico felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He knew how it felt when people judge by your godly lineage, how expectations of others can crush you, and yet he did exactly that with Jason. He thought Jason was the golden boy, and didn’t try to check if it as true, not even after becoming friends. For fucks sake, Nico had the guts to say Jason couldn’t understand his pain, when Jason was so depressed he was becoming suicidal.

No wonder he took it to the grave, nobody tried to see past that façade, not even Nico knowing full enough how shitty it was when people just judge you by your father. Jason probably felt nobody could understand, that he had nobody to reach out, so it was easier to just die.

Now he understood why his father wanted him to give up, because the moment he knew this information, he would just cling to it and never let it go.

And truly, how he could just forgive himself after knowing he contributed to the death of his best friend?

**Author's Note:**

> Ah shit this was a mess. Oh well, I was finally able to write, so damn I will publish it and own it.  
> I didn't like the explanation of Jason, even if I fully mean it; I wanted to translated how living without a drive felts, how difficult is to continue when you lack the motivation. Is odd I wasn't able to do it properly, or at least that's how I felt; maybe one day I will find the right words and edit this.  
> Nico's reaction perhaps wasn't the most realistic; as we know he tends to be a little explosive with bad news, but fuck, I couldn't make Nico be mad at Jason for hiding this, I fully aware how it feels to be depressed and the idea of having Nico recriminate Jason for not reaching out was hitting waaaaaaaaay to close to home.  
> Realistic or not, this is my fanfic so fuck it.  
> Also, Nico would be fine...eventually; the guilt would continue to be at the back of his mind, but I think he would eventually be able to recompose himself from this mess. He would not tell others what he learned; because this is not his secret to share, Jason asked him to not say it, and it would just make the others feel worse.  
> About Nico's question, was Jason happy in Elysium? Nope, not really; I know is the happiest place on earth but for the life of me I cannot see him having his depression went away just for it.  
> My guess is that most people would not like the idea that Jason was suicidal, but eh, I think it could fit well enough; besides, whats the point of writing if you cannot force your problems in your characters? Sorry Jay, you will take one for the team. And probably more later on.  
> I'm surprised I wrote this in first place, I prefer to act like TOA didn't exist, but I guess I wanted something angst and if there is something I love to do, is go to canon and show how bad it is that it ended this way. I'm bitter so that translated into my work.  
> That's it I guess? I hope to write more soon, damn if I didn't miss it.


End file.
